?

Log in

Gollier
23 April 2016 @ 08:11 pm
i'm going to make a vent post on here, since i rarely use this site nowadays. i spent a little bit of the day feeling kind of c*azy, like in a way that made me feel 'manic', but not really with the way mania expresses itself? does that even make sense? anyway, i've been trying to cope, but i have to wonder how, even when i feel like i'm having an issue, i seem to block it out of my thoughts and be able to live in normalcy for that moment.

ever since i got a proper fursona in my character Edmund (and earlier with Bouncer), I'd been using it to toy with the idea that maybe being c*azy is okay? maybe even a good thing? but the truth is, the way i express that feeling is almost always in the form of internalized ableism popping into my work. the moment i introduce the possibility of a character i draw being neurodivergent, or even handicapped, i start painting them with a totally different brush. The infuriating thing is, I can SEE myself doing it, and somehow never manage to cross the threshold of making that character feel like more than just a series of symptoms at best, or fetish fuel at worst.

speaking of such moody things, i keep having this recurring thought like 'it'd be nice if you had ANY friends. at all!' i don't like to talk about those sorts of things to people (again, with repressing those thoughts for the sake of normalcy), b/c in all seriousness, I've got it GOOD. I've got it really good. Compared to people I've met since my indefinite hiatus on this site, i live with enormous privilege. still. I've been away from all the friends i made in college for years. i haven't spoken to any of the people from high school in forever. i don't feel like i can make friends where i live now, just due to how old i am now. the scary bit is that, for a lot of the people i know, i'm unsure if we're still friends due to how long we've not been in contact. like i've just burned all my bridges and now hove no one in my life. it doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense - that's how i feel.

i'm bellyaching, of course. there's no valid reason why i couldn't use this late-evening mania driven post to find some way to meet new people or re-connect with old ones.

i talk abt my body and gaining weight hereCollapse )

i guess, working through these things just on this post, it seems like i really just ought to get in touch with people again, have some more fun. i gotta start thinking more about what i'm getting out of life. it's getting to the point where i really will need to dig deep and remind myself that there's a life beyond my work, and my desperate bid to feel like an adult my swallowing my emotions and concerns.
 
 
Gollier
13 February 2015 @ 09:25 pm
Hello, people! I'm hoping your year's been good so far. Mine's felt like a missouri dog whooping, whatever that means. Newheimburg's moving into its sixth chapter soon! The visual novel's lost steam in the face of getting comic work done in time for Heroes Con! I've started a Furaffinity page! That's about the extent of my news for the past month.

Something I've just realized about my drawing: in a true stereotypical fashion, I resort to doing weird looking characters/furries because I'm not good at drawing people. That became clear to me upon re-reading a bunch of old comics for the S.O.P.H.I.E comic I was trying to write a while back. I'll be making a priority to get good at drawing people, and I'm kicking around the possibility of doing more S.O.P.H.I.E work, but the trouble is that the main motivation for drawing that is to draw some cheesecake. Some of the jokes I wrote for it still hold up a little kinda maybe, but I used a TON of ableist language throughout that run.
 
 
Gollier
01 January 2015 @ 04:07 pm
Here's what's up: I've taken care of most of the notes for that furry fantasy comic, so I should be posting some kind of results with that in the coming months. But, what the note-taking being finished means is that I'll be filling that gap in my time with writing for the visual novel.

 photo update_03_zps6bf9ba23.png

I'm hoping that, by next month, I will have a passable demo up for download. I'll be sure to post about it when it becomes available.

I've also been working on doing big painting again this December. It's been a long, LONG time since I did any painting at all, esp. serious painting, and I though that I'd been spending too much time sitting on a fine art degree without doing much in the way of productive work. So, here's the result of that month:

 photo DSC_1159_zps6f055ee8.jpg

...it needs more than one coat, for sure, but it'll get there eventually!
 
 
Gollier
12 November 2014 @ 09:35 am
New week, new week! I've still been working on the VN, despite myself.

update_02
 
 
Current Mood: fat
Current Music: The JCQ
 
 
Gollier
04 November 2014 @ 10:37 am
So, Inktober is over and done with. I DID manage to get every page done for every day, although I couldn't keep up with the uploading schedule. I'll be posting some pics of the final product, but to give a summation, it is thick and it is tiny!

So, what's next on the docket for this month? This is.

update_01

I'm going to see about making a game in Ren'py. Unlike the slow halt that was the Bouncer game, I at least know with this product that I won't be using all my time trying to learn code and stick to writing the actual story. Of course, I was planning to see if I could get this all done in a month, but the scope of the project quickly ballooned on me like it always does. Still! Forward sailing into a new frontier! I'm cooking up a story here that I think will be a lot of fun to play.
Tags:
 
 
 
Gollier
04 October 2014 @ 11:11 am
 
 
Gollier
03 October 2014 @ 11:03 am
DSC_1124
Tags:
 
 
Gollier
02 October 2014 @ 01:14 pm
Wading through some existential feelings today, but have a new page!

DSC_1121
Tags:
 
 
Gollier
01 October 2014 @ 09:15 pm
Yeah, so throughout all of October, I'll be putting up a comic I'm doing for Inktober. Here's the first page!

DSC_1120
Tags:
 
 
Gollier
24 September 2014 @ 12:54 pm
Well, it's been a month, and...I honestly don't have a lot to show for myself. I've been doing my usual work on Newheimburg and getting notes down for a much bigger project. I just feel unfulfilled. No matter what little rocks I overcome on this mountain, my thoughts keep going back to 'holy shit I'm a 25 year old man with no driver's license and a bachelor in fine arts working at Wal-Mart for well over two years and submitting half-finished comic pages on the internet.' I'm very blessed to have what I have, but still! If I had just been smarter with my time, I could be so much further along with my ambitions than I am right now.

It's just that I'm not good at truly plotting a course for myself, I guess? I mean, I know for a fact that I want to draw comics, that's no secret. Part of the problem, though, is I keep trying to play for long-form stuff. The bigger project I mentioned has been getting written since January. I mean, it's coming along nicely, and when it comes out it's going to kick a lot of ass. Even so, that's nine months of time that I could've devoted towards drawing actual comics and getting them together, instead of writing notes on stuff that wouldn't be in a story format until a year later. It's the price I pay for continuing to make the big gambles.

Okay, enough whining - here's what I did get done this week: I drew a piece of fanart for the somewhat popular Fallout DLC character Dean Domino that I'll make into a print to sell later, and I spent $45 dollars on a handmade ballpoint pen that I'll now be carrying around with me wherever I go.

(I technically drew this last month, but YOU DON'T KNOW THAT. SHHHHH.)

So! Based on what I can and can't do with myself in my current state, I think I'm going to try my hand at something I literally just heard about, called Inktober. The idea is to do thirty one drawings involving ink throughout all of October. I could use that incentive to make some interesting artwork and put together a little quickie book for my next con. We'll see. I think all I really need is to try something a little more spontaneous.
 
 
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: RX Bandits